I am one lucky lady.
I think I've figured out why I have such a rosy outlook on life these days. Stressful day at work? No problem when I can come home and vent to you. Someone pissing me off? You always have my side. Unsure about something (read: EVERYTHING- it's fine, you let me know how stupid I am and give me the reassurance I need. If I say something mean, or lash out, you forgive me no matter what; it's like you know I don't mean it before I even have to tell you as much. You provide me with so much love and stability, and it's really important that I remember how lucky I really am. I don't know the exact statistics, but I'm so sure that rarely anyone ever experiences a love like this. It's ridiculous how much you give me, and how much I love you.
I tried to secretly read your texts, and all they say are how much you love me and how we're best friends.
I love how we still do things like getting stoned and watching Monty Python, or drawing all over each other.
I can wait for summer so we can sit on our porch and smoke weed, and make amazing cocktails, and have day-long excursions to the beach <3

Why can't York close on the days I actually HAVE school?
I am really starting to like the person I've become. I think that old "fuck you" attitude is coming back a bit, because I'm starting to really not give a shit what anyone else says or thinks. I'm happy where I am and that's all that matters, and people can be so fucking jealous.
Friends are so fluid, they change all the time. You think you know the people that will stick around forever, but then there they go surprising you. At least I don't let myself get disappointed over it anymore, most of the time nowadays I only give a partial fuck. Corey pretty much absorbs all the negativity reflected in other people.
I love this time of the year. I am so fucking busy it's unreal, but it also means countless things to be excited for and no time to let my mind create fabricate problems that just aren't there.

so lately i've been doing some self-searching and i'm noticing how much of a fucking hypocrite i am. i reamed corey out for getting rides to work and home from some girl he works with, even though i get rides home from school from this guy in my class. i hid it from him for the longest time, and at least he had the balls to tell me and even offer to stop (he said he wouldn't need rides in the summer anyway, it's just because of the long walk in the cold).
what else? he can say the smallest thing and i just take it the wrong way and run with it, even though i know it's ridiculous. it's like once i'm going on about something, i can't stop. even if he says sorry, there's just no pleasing me after that. two days ago the tables turned, and he forgave me right away. it surprised me just how much he wasn't mad at all afterwards, how understanding he was and how he instantly knew i didn't mean it.

okay, so maybe i'm not the perfect girlfriend i thought i was. time to start changing. i don't want to hurt the one person who's always been there and whom i love the most. if i was him, i would've fucked off long ago.

this week has been no less than perfect. Monday we bought our new TV, and damn does it feel good to have earned something tangible from all our hard work. Tuesday I came home to find Corey with a Victoria's Secret bag, just out of nowhere. He's being exceptionally cute lately, i'm so lucky to have him in my life. it's like we finally understand each other perfectly, so there's no more arguing or bickering and just love. yesterday i came home late and he was making cutting up vegetables for supper and it just made me melt. i'm lucky i didn't fuck this one up. and i think i finally believe that someone could just love me for being me, and will actually be there no matter what.
i think that i'm so cynical by nature, that i always question things, even when they're staring me straight in the face. how could i have everything i want, after dealing with so much bullshit for so many years? how could someone love me unconditionally, and place me before anyone else? i think i'm still in disbelief half the time, thinking that everyone has to fuck you over in the end. i say that i believe in us, but maybe it's actually time to stop doubting and to start believing.


free money from york, thai food tonight, tv tomorrow; WOOO

people are so fucking fake. okay so, i spent time with you, we used to hang out once a week, and now because of stupid bullshit you turn on me just like that? good thing I never really took you seriously. i don't care if you've been working here three years, or if you have some sort of false sense of entitlement, if i end up moving up it's because someone thinks that i clearly deserve it, not because i go around talking shit. i'm not even trying for this position, so unless it gets handed to me you have nothing to worry about. i'm sorry i'm such a threat to you that you feel the need to be a little bitch about it.

i think i should've majored in psychology, just so i can try and figure out where the fuck people's heads are at sometimes.

life is rushing by way too fast lately.
PAUSE:
although i may be the busiest and most stressed out as i ever have been, i think i'm also at my peak of happiness. when all is said and done, perfection is coming home and being in your arms, watching judge judy and making supper, then laying in bed. i always thought i was such a complex person, but the simplest of things make me happy.

sara was telling me how fucked up her sister is; how she lies to justify her being depressed and fucked up all the time. i sound so in touch with things and understanding when i rationalize things to other people. if only my emotions would quit getting in the way. but our talk lead me to thinking...
people's lives are built around what they believe in, and what they perceive to be the reasons behind their situation. they get stuck in a cycle of circumstances and actions that some people can never break out of.

i was one of the lucky ones. what if things had never really changed for me? what if we had never been together, and we weren't where we are now?

i have got to quit mindfucking myself, haha.

I hate this working and working and working and sleeping and working. Wake up, work, go home, eat, sleep, repeat. We live together and we never get to see each other. I'm whining like a little bitch and I just wanna tell myself "Hey, you're an adult, that's life" but being how I am, I just can't accept that.
I hate being home alone. The internet has lost its touch. I could download movies and tv shows, but then I'd just feel even more unproductive and lazy. Plus I'm only halfway through my attempt at watching all six seasons of Sex and the City.
It would be really really sweet if Corey found an awesome job as soon as he's done school in September. I worry way too much as it is, and if he could lock down a well-paying job that would just automatically cut my worries in half.
Sara is pissed at her roommate again. I told her not to trust anyone, that it should just be her and Chris and that you can't trust anyone else. They always fuck her over. People just aren't trustworthy. Well, except for us haha. It seems like every time I talk to someone from back home they have more drama to fill me in on. Nothing has changed. I'm so glad we're away from it all, as much as I love Welland and St. Catharines it can also be like a cesspool. I wish I could weed out all the good people and relocate them up here.
I like how no one here knows about my past, unless I choose to tell them. And I love how the few people I've told were in total disbelief. Have I really changed all that much? I think I always sort of fooled people though. It's the quiet ones you have to watch out for. Haha Sara.

Things to be excited for (in chronological order):
Hangout with Alex Wednesday
Off Friday with Corey :)
Hopefully off labour day
Start of new classes
TIFF, possibly
My birthday

"Fucking asians. They're not even doing it right."
"Why aren't they doing it right? You should kiss me like that."
"I will. I'll show them how it's done."

The longer we are together, the more and more I realize that all I need is you, no matter what. I don't care if we're rich or poor, or where we are, as long as we are together.

I love how people at work always assume you work at my store, since they always see you there.

So now when I run my fingers through your hair, you purr. Surefire way to make me laugh my ass off, right there.

every once in awhile, my world still has to come pressing down on me. now it's time to get my affairs back in order, and to feel like myself again. it'll be so much better once the stresses in my life are gone. after september, i guess. once corey starts working again next week, once school starts for me, and after we pay his school off.
i can't believe the summer is almost over. it never feels like we have enough time. i wonder if we'll ever have time enough to do all the things i want to do.
i need to start exercising. i'm feel HEAVY. i know usually it's all in my head, but still. i would much rather be smaller than i am now. i'm going to make a point of doing 100 situps a day. maybe i'll start running up and down the stairs too. i don't know.
i think i'm becoming bitchier towards people i don't like. good. why the fuck should i fake being nice anymore? i'm not trying to impress anyone.
i really hope you're preggo again, bitch. then you can gain another 1000lbs and get this one taken away too. fucking dirtbag ginger.
i need a raise, or something. a vacation. can't we just win the lottery? you know you're desperate when you start dreaming of winning the lottery, haha.
thank god i'm madly in love with you, because if not this would seem quite tiresome. despite everything, life is still amazing.

Time to step up your game, Krystal.

So basically I found out yesterday that they actually DO want to make me a senior, but I have to quit having stupid fuckups and really show myself. And here I thought because there are other people there more experienced and with more seniority than me, I wouldn't have a chance. Why is it that I always have an inferiority complex, like I'm always one step behind everyone else? Ever since I was a kid I've always sold myself short; I'm not pretty enough, smart enough, desirable enough, GOOD enough; everyone must be better than me, despite people telling me otherwise. In the past year I've really started to see just how fucked up my thought process has been, and that I really do measure up.

It's funny how I get along with my parents now more than ever. Distance does make the heart grow fonder, har har. It's funny how one person can save me from all the bullshit I put upon myself. It's scary how important you are to well-being. It's like I have placed the weight of all that is wrong with me upon one person and entrusted my happiness to you exclusively. You single-handedly saved me from myself, and we've never looked back.

Holy fuck. I've been happy so long, it's like I don't know how to deal with it.